A surprising late March decision by the United States Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit gives Trump University a new lease on life for the first time since its closure in 2010. The decision overturned a court-mediated settlement of $25 million dollars, to be paid by the Trump organization to former students of the defunct business school.
The court’s findings absolved the Trump organization of financial responsibility to the 6,000 plaintiffs who claimed to have been defrauded by his for-profit education venture. It also dismantled the claims of fraud, breach of contract, negligent misrepresentation, and bad faith that had previously been levied against the Trump company in a U.S. District Court for Southern California.
Speaking through his attorney, Trump pledged to aggressively pursue each of the former plaintiffs with charges of frivolous litigation.
Trump University Returns
Now that these claims have been dismissed, officials close to the president indicated, the network of shuttered schools would be “up and running in no time.”
The day after the Ninth Circuit Court decision, Trump celebrated his legal victory in a campaign appearance before the National Assembly for Concealed Carry Arts & Crafts Teachers (NACCACT).
“Of course I was treated very unfairly. The fake news and the failing New York Times said terrible things about the Trump schools, but most of the smartest business people in the world that I know all went there and I’ve been there many times. So, you tell me. But now we finally got it right. The judges finally got something right. It doesn’t happen a lot. Believe me.”
Trump pledged that the university would begin by reopening 47 locations nationwide before the start of fall semester 2018. “It’ll be easy,” Trump boasted. “We never actually cleaned out the classrooms in the first place.”
The Path to Accreditation
The Ninth Circuit Court’s decision not only unraveled the legal claims underlying the original settlement agreement, but it also created a pathway to significantly improved academic standing. In the immediate aftermath of the court's decision, Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos announced Trump University would be fast-tracked for Title IV benefits. This would make the new crop of enrollees eligible for federal financial aid and student loans. It could also ease the pathway to accreditation for Trump University.
New and Improved
The network of business schools will earn back the public’s trust through a series of initiatives aimed at improving the Trump University offerings. Dean of Academic Affairs, Leonard Derp pointed to a more diverse course catalogue, noting that "we'll be breaking ground with a set of innovative new classes like Leadership Through Strategic Cyberbullying, Introduction to Administrative Covfefe, and an exciting new practicum that teaches our pupils how to Live-Tweet Fox News Broadcasts in real time! This is next-level business insight."
One-time Celebrity Apprentice contestant and current Dean of Student Affairs Dennis Rodman also spoke of the changes with enthusiasm. Just returned from an alcohol-fueled diplomatic mission in North Korea, Dean Rodman pointed to enhanced library facilities, the installation of 13-foot security walls at the southern border of each campus, and an expanded university dining hall menu.
"The schools aren't the only thing we've had sitting around since 2010," Dean Rodman explained. "We also have a metric ton of Trump Steaks left over, which is perfect for a school that prohibits vegetarianism."
Trump University has already begun to unveil regionally-targeted television ads highlighting the improvements, with plans to accelerate promotion in coordination with election season.
In the short-term, HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY!
Of course, Trump University remains a disgraced entity that is widely acknowledged to have defrauded thousands of students. Though the former students of Trump U will indeed split a settlement in the amount of $25 million, it seems a paltry sum for selling students on a fake school.
Anyway, here are some amazing business schools that are definitely not fake.